Moj put do pakla

Sa 22 godine,mislim da sam preživeo ono što većina ne bi uspela da preživi ni za 3 života...

Prvi pokušaj samoubistva (10.2005):
Nakon što sam prokockao novac na ruletu ( koji sam prethodno "pozajmio" iz kase firme u kojoj sam radio ),odlazim u hotel,iznajmljujem sobu,zatim odlazim do internet-kafea i tražim najbezbolniji način da se ubijem.Sledećeg dana idem od jedne do druge osiguravajuće kuće u nadi da mogu odmah da se osiguram i da ostavim polisu na oca,jer sam znao da će moji poslodavci od njega tražiti novac.
Javio sam se sestri,za koju sam bio prilično vezan celo detinjstvo,kako bih čuo njen glas poslednji put( kasnije sebi nisam mogao da oprostim bol koji sam joj tim pozivom naneo).
Pošto sam u suštini jedna velika kukavica,nisam želeo da skačem sa mosta,sečem vene,i sl,jer znam da bi to predugo trajalo.Nisam imao preveliki izbor sredstava kojima bih izvršio samoubistvo,pa sam otišao u apoteku i kupio 3 kutije Aspirina,i kutiju Persena,tableta za spavanje na biljnoj bazi.
Naravno,to je bila premala doza,samo me je jako boleo stomak,zujalo mi je u glavi,itd.Kada sam video da od toga nema ništa,rešio sam da se isprsim i istrpim posledice.

Drugi pokušaj samoubistva ( 03.2006 )
Nakon odlaska i uspešno završene prve faze lečenja od zavisnosti od kockanja,zapošljavam se u novoj firmi,i jednom prilikom ponovo uzimam novac i gubim na kocki.U toj situaciji sam znao da mi se ceo svet srušio,u tom trenutku stvarno nisam uspeo da pronađem i jedan razlog da ostanem da živim.
Otišao sam u jeftini motel,zatim u apoteku i kupio 20 kutija aspirina ( mislio sam da ta količina mora da "uspe" ).Ovoga puta nikoga nisam zvao,hteo sam da se sve što pre završi.
Ujutru su počeli jaki bolovi u stomaku,imao sam osećaj da će iznutra eksplodirati,i počeo sam da povraćam Aspirin.Jedva sam ostao pri svesti,otišao u grad,zvao hitnu pomoć,koja nije došla već je rekla da pozovem taksi,i njime sam otišao u Urgentni centar.Rekli su mi da sam imao sreće što je najveći deo Aspirina izbačen iz organizma,i da neće biti trajnih posledica.Nakon toga sam otišao u policiju i prijavio se,nakon oslobađanja iz policije sam otišao u centar kod mog psihoterapeuta kako bi se posavetovao.
Nakon toga je usledio najteži period moga celog života,teži i od trenutaka kada sam razmišljao da se ubijem.
Ostao sam sam,bez bilo koga ko bi me podržao.
Roditelji su samo gledali da me se otarase-obilazili su ludnicu,policiju,bilo koga,samo da prebace odgovornost na drugog.
Tako sam pod lekovima mesec dana proveo na institutu za mentalno zdravlje.

Situacija se sada blago popravlja,ali sve je na meni.

Kako se ne sjeti voza.. Trenutna smrt.. Raznese te na komade

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